Searching...
It's kind of funny that I'm reading the book, Searching for God Knows What, by Donald Miller, at this particular moment in my life. As previously stated on the blog, I went through quite an ordeal this summer, really struggling to maintain a stable, functional relationship with God. And while I feel like it's much better and on track, there's still a long way to go. I read a passage in Searching just yesterday, however, that really struck me.
Miller recounted the story of the time he denounced God's existence. What Miller later realized was that he didn't actually believe God did not exist. It was simply his way of letting go of the god of his youth. That god, the one who had simple answers for simple questions, and didn't like to be challenged, and had no room for mistakes...that god, indeed, no longer existed. With that god out of the way, Miller was able to seek and find the real God, who provided deep answers for difficult questions, who had a purpose for him.
I feel (hope?) like maybe that's what I've been experiencing. Perhaps this is a growing time for me to let go of my simple, small god, and honestly find the one true huge God of the universe. I hope so.
Not only am I still searching for some big answers (and, really...aren't we all?), I'm searching for some small ones too. Paul and I believe we will be moving next summer after I graduate, and it is a little scary to not have a definite plan in place. Since I'm the one who is not currently pursuing the dream, it's up to me to find a place for us where I can do that. Paul is being extremely gracious and supportive, but it's a lot of pressure! One of the places we're considering is Nashville, and we got to spend some time there earlier this week. I absolutely love that town and the whole vibe they've got there. It seems like a place we really would enjoy. But then I came home this weekend and spent time with my family and I have to wonder...how will I handle not seeing them so often? Will I be okay with missing cute things Gabe does? What will it be like when Paul and I have kids of our own? I know people move away from their family all the time, but is it the right decision for us?
So, I'm searching. Searching for answers. Searching for direction. In a way, it's frustrating and scary, this not knowing. But I'm trying to stay focused on the anticipation and excitement part of it. And I'm definitely trying to enjoy the things in the here and now, because time, my friends, is flying, and things will soon be very different.
Peace. Out.
Miller recounted the story of the time he denounced God's existence. What Miller later realized was that he didn't actually believe God did not exist. It was simply his way of letting go of the god of his youth. That god, the one who had simple answers for simple questions, and didn't like to be challenged, and had no room for mistakes...that god, indeed, no longer existed. With that god out of the way, Miller was able to seek and find the real God, who provided deep answers for difficult questions, who had a purpose for him.
I feel (hope?) like maybe that's what I've been experiencing. Perhaps this is a growing time for me to let go of my simple, small god, and honestly find the one true huge God of the universe. I hope so.
Not only am I still searching for some big answers (and, really...aren't we all?), I'm searching for some small ones too. Paul and I believe we will be moving next summer after I graduate, and it is a little scary to not have a definite plan in place. Since I'm the one who is not currently pursuing the dream, it's up to me to find a place for us where I can do that. Paul is being extremely gracious and supportive, but it's a lot of pressure! One of the places we're considering is Nashville, and we got to spend some time there earlier this week. I absolutely love that town and the whole vibe they've got there. It seems like a place we really would enjoy. But then I came home this weekend and spent time with my family and I have to wonder...how will I handle not seeing them so often? Will I be okay with missing cute things Gabe does? What will it be like when Paul and I have kids of our own? I know people move away from their family all the time, but is it the right decision for us?
So, I'm searching. Searching for answers. Searching for direction. In a way, it's frustrating and scary, this not knowing. But I'm trying to stay focused on the anticipation and excitement part of it. And I'm definitely trying to enjoy the things in the here and now, because time, my friends, is flying, and things will soon be very different.
Peace. Out.
posted by Michelle at 5:00 PM
1 Comments:
This book sounds interesting. I would love to discuss this with you in person. I think it would prove a very interesting conversation.
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